Going For the White Coat

what has to be done

this is what must be done.  i cannot get attached to anything that im not willing to walk away from in 15 minutes if i feel the heat around the corner.  yeah, it’s stolen, but it’s applicable and it sums up one of my many philosophies in life.  

i cant get attached to anything or anyone.  im just not capable of devoting half and half to one or the other. i either devote myself to this or to that.  i cannot balance it.  i always have to remind myself why im here.  im here not to make friends and have establish some sense of community.  im here to get my shit done and get the hell out.  

BUT

no man’s an island.  and i struggle with it everyday.  pushing myself to not hang out, not have establish any long term friendships.  it’s terrible.  im a monster.  i can go cold-hearted in the blink of an eye if i realize im getting too close to someone.  this doesnt go to say that i dont struggle with it.  I DO.  hmm..put it this way, it’s easy for me to carry out the decision of cutting myself off, but it’s hard for me to live with it.

of course some ppl will say, well you gotta learn to balance everything.  and i do. i have fun here and there, but i always am hesitant to actually put myself out there in establishing relationships/friendships just cause i think of it as too much of a responsibility.  i CANT always be there for that someone when he/she is in need.  when school calls, ill always come runnin back to it.

 i know it sounds like such an easy problem to fix, but im a very complicated person and putting down what’s in my head would just disturb the shit out of you.  so it’s best to just stop…NOW.

Will/Capability

it would be so easy to just let everything go right now.  

it would be so easy

-to just neglect my studies and just get by with a passing grade.  

-to just drop out of med school and go back home and work as a nurse.

-to just lose all hope of being something more.

why do i work against the grain?  i have it made.  i have a bachelor’s in nursing.  i could work and make easy money.

why do i put myself through the utter bullshit that comes along with living in a different country? why do i choose to be more? why do i choose to never settle for what i am capable of?  why do i strive to exceed expectations?

Because I can.

GETTING WATER AT NIGHT.

Reblogged from colinfraser

colinfraser:

ohstephyy:

 Normal people:

ME

This. This is true.

not sure if that’s an accurate characterization of how “normal people” do it, but that’s exactly how I walk when I get water at night.

(Source: laiscoutinho)

going going goin..she’s gone.

i saw you right when i sat down at the table with my friend.  i threw a couple glances your way, but didnt really notice you with your nose in a book.  it was supposed to be a normal lunch with my friend…steak, guy talk, school talk..whatever.  

you lifted your head from the book and glanced at the table which i saw through my peripheries.  at that point, there was no hope.  your eyes attracted my attention.  i couldnt help but throw in a glance of my own.  i caught your eyes and we locked for one second, but that one second was enough to show me that you had me trapped.  

i broke away from your penetrating eyes and pretended to text.  i could feel my cheeks burning, butterflies in my stomach, and a feeling of want.  i continued to ‘text’ while you continued to throw glances my way.  i wanted to return them, but i was just too scared…but why?  ive easily interacted with girls before this, but something about you was different.  

i started to entertain myself with ludicrous thoughts of “love at first sight” bullshit.  after about a few moments of this, i started to really consider it.  ive never been googley eyed over some girl ive seen sitting across the room.  i started to think of ways to talk to you without having to interact with your friends.  

-a paper with my number on it?..nahh.  too creepy

-say hi across the room?..nah.  too desperate.

- keep playing eye tag and smile?..no thanks.  i couldnt hold my stare on you even if my life depended on it.  

-last option..just let it go. BINGO!

i felt at a loss when i saw you get up and pay your bill.  i knew i wasnt gonna see you again coz of scheduling reasons.  i could only hope for the best to eventually run into you and finally have the courage to say hi.